that is so much more dangerous than you realize

(i have always wanted to protect you, even though you were always so much cooler than i ever will be.)

don't lose yourself in this fucked up place

The Soundtrack to Her Unreal Life

 When I was little and I was the weird girl hiding to read a book during recess, I always imagined that one day, the characters in my book would become alive and that I would get to meet them.  They would, of course, be amazingly too-cool and we would be Best Friends.  (Especially Matilda. She was a fellow nerd and also kind of a badass.)

Fast forward about a dozen years.

I meet a girl. At first, I write her off as too pretty.  But she's brilliant.  Crazy.  She is too ridiculous to be real.

The only way I can think to describe her is that she is your favorite character from a book, come to life.  She's more than kind of a badass.

Anyway, she shared this song with me. You should listen to it.



I asked my girlfriend if she’d seen you round before
She mumbled something while we got down on the floor baby

i have irises but i will always apologize

i know there is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. but i don't care. i am me. my name is valerie. i don't think i'll live much longer and i wanted to tell someone about my life. this is the only autobiography i will ever write and god--i'm writing it on toilet paper.

i was born in nottingham in 1985. i don't remember much about those early years, but i do remember the rain. my grandmother owned a small farm in tuttlebrook and she used to tell me that god was in the rain.

i passed my eleven-plus and went to girl's grammar. it was at school that i met my first girl friend. her name was sarah. it was her wrists--they were beautiful. i thought we would love each other forever. our teacher told us it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. sarah did. i didn't.

in 2002 i fell in love with a girl named kristina. that year i came out to my parents. i couldn't have done it without kris holding my hand. my father wouldn't look at me. he told me to go and never come back. my mother said nothing. but i had only told them the truth. was that so selfish? our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. it is that very last inch of us--but within that inch we are free.

i'd always known what i wanted to do with my life and in 2015 i starred in my first film, the salt flats. it was the most important role of my life, not because of my career, but because it was how i met ruth. the first time we kissed, i knew i never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again.

we moved to a small flat in london together. she grew scarlet castles for me in our window-box and our place always smelled of roses. those were the best years of my life.

but america's war grew worse, and eventually came to london. after that there were no roses anymore. not for anyone

i remember how the meaning of words began to change. how unfamiliar words like collateral and rendition became frightening while things like norsefire and the articles of allegiance became powerful.

i remember how different became dangerous. i still don't understand it. why they hate us so much. they took ruth while she was out buying food. i'd never cried so hard in my life. it wasn't long before they came for me.

it seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place but for three years i had roses and apologized to no one.

i shall die here. every inch of me shall perish. every inch but one. it is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. we must never lose it or give it away. we must never let them take it from us.

i hope whoever you are that you escape this terrible place. i hope that the world turns and that things get better. but most of all i hope that you understand what i mean when i tell you that even though i do not know you, that i will never meet you, cry with you, laugh with you, or kiss you--i love you. with all my heart. i love you.

valerie.


/these are irises from women who would hate you for apologizing

I thought it was supposed to be dark fire

The second one is, of course, blonde.

shit.

She blinded me with political science

You know he hooks up with anything that moves, right?

Oh excuse me. He must have been broadsided by your raw sex appeal.

Obviously.

Keep your enemies closer

Sometimes I feel like I could hurt you so much.

I'll never be exactly sure, much like how I will never understand you, but I do know exactly what to say. Maybe you'll brush it off.

Maybe it will haunt you twenty years later.

Maybe I completely mean to be a bitch.

Associate professors

I have always wondered if she truly understands the situation. If she realizes what she has gotten herself into.

I have imagined her asking me for my opinion, and I have practiced wry, off-the cuff-style responses.

He's really more like a concept. A myth. Head tilt. A legend.

Truth be told I would probably freeze up, stammer. Change the subject.

Lie.

how I know that is really not important at this time.

Confessions Part II

Bless me, Father, for I confess to almighty God and to you Father that I have sinned. It has been fourteen years since my last confession. I did not receive absolution or perform my penance.

I have wasted talent.

I have squandered opportunity.

I am sorry for these, and all the sins of my past life, especially for sins against myself, and ask for absolution from almighty God and from you, Father, for my sins.

I will absolutely commit them again.

no lo eres

lo siento. así es es. debía nunca metirte, pero estaba facil así.

y si, sé que puedes leer este.

no me importa.

why does something that is so bad for you give you such a rush

lifehacking bodyhacking brainhacking

I used to be happy

i do not think so

do you realize
that we have inadvertently entered a terrible competition

(it is possible your behavior has nothing to do with me but i still apologize, albeit egomaniacally)

do you realize how bizarrely meaningful it is, this difference in the manifestation of our fading obsession?

there are possibilities
perhaps i am the obsessive, watching counting calculating business that is not my own

or you are woefully oblivious and ignoring what happens so often in front of your eyes

(haven't you wondered, calculated, ever? maybe you blamed good genes. maybe you just didn't care.)

do you realize that i you me we all of us are crazy

and that even if you do go to cambridge, you have to take your mind with you

I do not

understand why you said you would leave it at that.

She cheated.

You caught her.

WHY DID YOU LET IT GO?

you know what's annoying?

people who not only have Ph.Ds, but are also extremely hot.

you are too fucking much with the boots

i don't really

care if you are a bitch or not a bitch or if you mean to be in either of those states

i do care that you stopped smiling

this is why i never could have been a doctor. not just because of my terrible add
i will always see people as people

and right now they're really terrifying

you are starting to scare me

i fucking hate the remix. not only because it's called the fucking BLEND, bitches, but also because they insist on selling milkshakes.

ARE THEY UNAWARE OF WHAT A PROBLEM THIS IS? of where they are, of who they are selling these to, size24rockandrepublicsareyoufuckingseriouslookather

also they use unflavored soy milk, what the fuck.

she let me break my own dreams

now i have to let you break yours

i always assumed she was just sadistic, but I realize now that it is far worse to be her

holden caulfield was a lunatic but he had a point