How to buy Jeans

1. Examine self in mirror to determine degree of bootyliciousness.

2. If low, proceed to step 3. If high, proceed to step 7.

3. Walk into store.

4. Choose pair of pants.

5. Try on (optional).

6. Repeat as necessary.

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7. Consider buying a skirt instead?

8. Are you sure? They can be very flattering…

9. Or how about sweatpants? No? Ok……….

10. Find area with multiple stores in close proximity. (Malls can be nauseating, but fit requirement.)

11. Enter store.

12. See cute pair of pants.

13. Attempt to guess size in said pair. Mentally thank whoever came up with the sizing system used for women’s clothes. We wouldn’t want to use MEASURMENTS like men or anything.

14. Wind up at dressing room with 8 pairs of pants in varying sizes.

15. Try on first pair of pants, if “try on” means succesfully fit little toe into.

16. Put on next pair. Lose self in extra fabric.

17. After long and intense battle, put on next pair. The waist fits…Curse degree of bootylisciousness and Italian ancestry.

18. Try next pair. Immediately hitch up, because either your ass is too big (likely) or your waist is too small.

19. Wind up with huge pile of rejected pants.

20. Fume in general direction of pile

21. Feel ashamed at being so owned by inanimate objects.

22. Repeat at nine stores.

23. Drag exhausted self into Gap.

24. Burst into HALLELUJAH CHORUS because they HAVE MULTIPLE CUTS OF JEANS!!

25. Select “Curvy” jeans.

26. Host wild rave in dressing room upon discovering that they fit.

27. Try on EXACT SAME PAIR OF PANTS in different wash.

28. Have argument with the two pairs of jeans. Insist that they are the same size and style. HOW COULD COLOR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?

29. Lose argument.

30. Give up, purchase three pairs of the other jeans that fit.

31. Become rich and famous, hire personal tailor, bitch-slap fashion designers