Translated for your horror and amusement.

So,this is what they say.

And this is what they mean:

Executive Order, as delicately rephrased by someone who may or may not have consumed JUST A TAD of caffeine:

By the authority granted to me as a male member of a long-time influential family in American politics and the refreshing sheep-like loyalty of the average middle-American Republican voter:

I, George Bush, President of the United States of America Jesusland, find that since I feel like creating a policy that violates several well respected amendments of the Constitution, I will whip out the “OH NOES TURRERISTS!” card, because that seems to work well with you people.

Hmmm…which version should I use? How about this: We are shocked and dismayed that any Americans might take action threatening our efforts to bring PEACE AND STABILITY AND RECONSTRUCTION GOODNESS to Iraq. Why are you laughing? No, the U.S. did not start this war, thus causing all the problems in the first place. It was terrorists, I tell you, terrorists! Why do you hate America?

Anyway, we haven’t raped the Constitution enough, so we’re expanding on our previous attempts.

Section 1. Except for the loopholes that we already slipped in to cover our Haliburton buddies’ collective asses:

We’re in ur legalese, seizin ur propertiez!

Yup! I’M TAKING YOUR STUFF, SUCKAS!!

I know, I know, I can’t just go right out and take it, I have to cover my ass and have some kind of justifiable reason, so…hmm. Damn, I used lots of my good material in the Patriot Act…






I’ve got it! If Bob, Hank, and Condi say so! Sweet. Especially because they’re pretty good about doing what I tell them to, so essentially if I say so. This is fucking brilliant.

Okay, better throw in some legalese about the Iraq stuff…blah blah blah interfering-with-reconstruction-efforts-cakes. Whatev.

Doesn’t really matter what I say here? Know why?

WHO’S CHECKING?

Not a judge! Not a jury! Not anybody interested in issuing a warrant!

No judicial involvement of ANY KIND! The Cabinet members have the ABSOLUTE FINAL SAY!

Dude, I should have done this years ago.

What? Oh, the Constitution. Amendments Four and Five? Can you read them to me? Yeah, I used my copy as toilet paper when we ran out a while back. My bad.

4th: “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

5th “No person shall be deprived of… life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.”

Well, that’s interesting, I suppose. Shame I don’t care.

Sec. 2. Anyway. No violating the rules we make up. Not allowed. Yes, that’s another rule I just made up. What, a government where one branch seizes absolute authority to make all the laws is inherently unjust and prone to corruption because that one branch can never be properly investigated? You don’t say.

Sec. 3. For the purposes of this order: the terms “person,” “entity,” and “United States person” mean whatever the hell I want them to.

Sec. 4. Thought you saw a loophole? OH SNAP, NO! Sorry.

Sec. 5. Oh, also, we don’t have to tell you when we do it. Zing!

Sec. 6. Hmmm…have I wantonly expanded the government’s power enough? Of course not! Basically, if we have to do it to carry out this order, it’s allowed. Abuse of power? What? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Sec. 7. *Legalese to induce brain aneurysm in case anybody read this far*

Sec. 8. Oho! You think you can use this against ME? NUH UH! I win, you lose. Hee.

Ghostwritten by me, Cheney. What, you think Shrub writes his own stuff? You guys are so cute. He’s off playing with his Xbox. Oh, by the way: nobody tell him that Condi used a cheat code to put him in God-mode in Halo. He thinks he’s winning it all by himself and it will take HOURS to shut him up if he finds out. Later, bitches. You’re ALL my bitches. BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!


Anyone know where I can get one of those masks from V for Vendetta?