I quit.

Theoretical directions:

1. Read "the printer is out of paper."

2. Remove paper from storage tray next to printer.

3. Insert paper into printer.

4. Press "resume" button.

What I actually end up saying:

1. What's the error message? Yes, I actually need to know the error message. You clicked cancel without reading it? Of course. Try to print again. Yes! That! The LARGE BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCREEN. Read it out loud.

2. Alright, funnily enough, "out of paper" means...you need to put in more paper. Cryptic, I know. The extra paper is next to the printer. On the left. Your other left. NOT ALL OF IT AT ONCE. Jesus. Just take some of it.

3. Ok, now this goes into the printer. Where? Where the paper was before. Yes, I know the paper tray is empty now, but I assure you, it's right there. On the front. Yes, the thing that looks like it holds paper. Excellent! You're a regular MacGyver.

4. We just need to PRESS THE RESUME BUTTON. It's the one that says "resume." And is flashing red. Oh God that's the indicator light. Yes, I know I said it was flashing red, but technically, the little indicator light is just off to the left and the LARGE ROUND BUTTON is what you are supposed to press. Yes, all the way down. What? Fine, use your thumb. Index finger is fine too. No, it doesn't MATTER. Don't you have several advanced degrees?

5. Alright then, we should be go--no, that's fine. It's just printing a test page. Yes, I promise it will print your document right after the test page. It didn't lose it! Really! I will bet you--I will bet you a trip to TAHITI. Because when I win, I can GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

Sheesh.