I. FUCKING. QUIT.

iiiiii gave up swearing for lent. THAT LASTED LONG. but SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY SEIROUSLY SERIOUSLY.

I AM FAILING ALL OF MY CLASSES. PARTLY BECAUSE I WORK FOR THE PAPER. and i GO to the paper like a good little paper-bitch and GET a story and GO to the event, which was A BORING SPEECH, FYI and WRITE about the event and spend SIX HOURS OF MY LIFE THERE AND AS I'M LEAVING, THEY CANCEL MY STORY.

COUDLNT' YOU HAVE CANCELED IT...OH...I DON'T KNOW...BEFORE I WROTE IT?

but of course, they couldn't, because there was late breaking news that pushed me off and that's not their fault so it's NOBODY'S FAULT WHICH MEANS I HAVE NO ONE TO BEAT UP AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY. AND THAT WAS SIX HOURS DURING WHICH I COULD HAVE STUDIED.

AND i'm so fucking tired that i can't even WRITE COHERENTLY so this isn't even going to be AMUSING or anything WRITING NEWS IS KILLING MY ABILITY TO WRITE CREATIVELY AND IT'S ALSO EATING MY SOUL KTXBAI.

BUT. i will carry on. BECAUSE THERE ARE THINGS AND THEY PISS ME OFF.

LIKE PEOPLE WHO CURVE THEIR MIDTERMS SO THAT NUMERICALLY, YOU GET AN A, BUT ACTUALLY, YOU GET A B+. THAT IS NOT FAIR. you're supposed to curve up, not down! note that is not actually my grade, i've only seen the statistics, not my actual exam, BECAUSE I LEFT BEFORE SHE COULD GIVE ME MY MIDTERM, WHICH I'M SURE SHE NOTICED, BECAUSE, DUH SHE STILL HAS THE MIDTERM.

also yes this is the oft-quoted prof, so i can't just like, blame it on her being a bitch or something, because she isn't. damn.

and while we're on the subject, I often come off like A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT, so i'm afraid to talk in class, so i'm always really really really nervous/incoherent LIKE TODAY, when i used a phrase that i CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER because it had approximately seven hundred adverbs in a row, and she REPEATED IT, kind of like "riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, ok, you're a spazz." which is unfair, because she's kind of a spazz. and then i DIED. it was tragic.

I HAVE TO GET UP IN 5.5 hours, fyi, BECAUSE I HAVE DRILL SO I CAN GO TO SPAIN, WHCIH I HATE. DRILL, NOT SPAIN. I HAVEN'T BEEN TO SPAIN, ERGO I CANNOT HATE IT. YET.

there was no reason for most of that to be in caps lock.

BUT THERE IS REASON FOR THIS TO BE IN CAPS LOCK. BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE who WALK OUT OF A MIDTERM, turn to you, and say "yeah, i totally rocked that test" BECAUSE THEN YOU STAB THEIR BRAINS. FUCK YOU. EVEN IF YOU TOTALLY ROCKED IT, I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ABOUT IT TWO SECONDS AFTER I TOOK THE TEST. ALSO, YOU'RE A BITCH, and a large part of me really hopes that you did NOT indeed rock the test.

ANYWAY. i'm now contemplating whether i should make up some excuse for why i sort of slipped out of class before she could give me my midterm and then i can awkwardly blitz her being like HI I'M A COMPLETE NUTCASE, BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT, BECAUSE YOU'VE MET ME FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS.

I FAIL.

Not that this was open to debate

...but it should probably be repeated as many times as possible:

Tina Turner is the DEFINITION of awesome. (She's all "Yeah, I'm 68...AND YOUR POINT?")

I'm limiting myself to two links, because I could go on all day.

/I am making up for the shame of not actually knowing who Tina Turner was until Simon compared Melinda Doolittle to her on American Idol.
//*SHAME*

Catch-22

I came here to have conversations about the implications of post-Civil War Republican party policy in Food Court at ungodly hours of the night.

And I have the conversations. Which means I don't do my reading. Which means I'm going to get kicked out.

itbooops.

DAMN. IT.

Points lost due to calculus mistakes: 0

Points lost due to arithmetic mistakes: 17

Points lost due to SHEER IDIOCY that was circled and tagged with "huh?" by the professor: 11

/The "how the fuck did you get by the admissions office" was implied.

Things That Have Been Known To Bother Me, Part Eighty-Five Qunitillion and Two

1. When the snow unexpectedly turns to rain and causes large, gigantic puddles. Fun Fact: stepping in said puddles while wearing Uggs WILL CAUSE THE DYE TO LEACH ONTO YOUR SKIN. I look like the victim of some kind of horrific tanning accident.

2. PUDDLES THAT FREEZE. And are that kind of black ice that look very much like it isn't there. It appears that I am quite talented at FINDING this hidden ice, especially while running at top speed to my 7:30am class.

That said, if there was a campus record for DISTANCE one slid on the ice after falling in a graceless screaming heap of SCHWOMP, I would totally own it.

3. Professors who A) Hold class at 7:30am, B) Pride themselves on NEVER canceling class C) especially if it snowed 16 inches the night before.

4. Professors who CANCEL CLASS. This is why I have no blog content--she went off somewhere to present a paper. The NERVE of some people, being all academic and famous--I NEED QUOTES.

5. Candidates I support dropping out of the primaries, which leads to

6. Accidentally voting for Hillary Clinton.

7. Disagreeing with every candidate currently involved and deciding that the only solution is to move to Barbados, but having drastic lack of plane ticket funding.

There is always more, but #8. PEOPLE WHO THINK IT IS TOTALLY REASONABLE TO ASSIGN THE ENTIRETY OF Leviathan in ONE NIGHT are preventing me from finishing.

To satisfy the teeming masses:

an update. It's rather short.

Should I go to Spain, or not? Vote in the comments.

I'm not making this shit up

(Background: This is in office hours, not in class)

"Exactly, like in The Hunt for Red October. God, I think I blew my credibility by using that as an example in class yesterday...I suppose it could have been worse, because at least I didn't mention the most important part of the movie: hot guys. Lots of hot guys. I mean, you start with Denzel Washington, but Alex Baldwin, like, pre-crazy Alex Baldwin, that kind of tips the scale. Hmmm...wasn't Fred Thompson in that movie? Yeah, he's the Secretary of Defense, which means I could completely justify showing that in class...current political connections...right. Anyway...what was your question again?"


I attempted to keep a neutral expression on my face when the phrase "hot guys" came out of her mouth, but I'm not 100% sure I was successful.

This lecture is totally worth $200 an hour

Background: Prof went to MIT

"Now, to put North Korea's nuclear capability in perspective, let's examine a theoretical detonation on a major U.S. city. *Pulls up map* Who should we nuke? Ooooh! Let's nuke Harvard! Ok, so nuked. *outlines radius of destruction* Not really a big effect, huh. I mean, yeah, Harvard's gone, and some of Cambridge is gone. Boston's totally fine. Is MIT ok? *Peers at map* Yup, outside the blast zone. Whew. Oh wait...fallout. Oh, and fire. Yeah, MIT's totally on fire. Screw that."

I just ate a chocolate peanut butter brownie

I know that there are probably some really interesting feedback systems and pathways here, but really:

I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

Also, as soon as I'm done confirming the results of the experiment, I swear I will actually WRITE A POST instead a quote or a link or a tragically fwomped lolcat.

This is the single greatest idea EVER

From OverheardInNewYork:

Boss: What's your password? I want to sign in and test the new system we set up.
Office gal: 'Detonate.'
Boss: [Silence.]
Office gal: What? I like typing 'Detonate' and hitting 'Enter'! It's extremely satisfying!

60 East 42nd Street
New York, New York

I am totally changing all my passwords.

My girl

kicked your girl's ass. Hard.

Funny LJ icons I have seen lately

Hangover: The Wrath Of Grapes

My Furby Can Kick Your Furby's Ass

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work. Nope, can't come in today, still queer.

Neville Longbottom has had it with this motherfucking snake at motherfucking Hogwarts

Reason has been a part of organized religion ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Earth: Mostly Harmless. This article is a "stub." You can help the Guide by expanding it.

/bumper stickers for the bumper-less
//is bumper-less
///dammit

SWEET PURPLE MANATEES

Why the HELL would you EMAIL SOMEONE to TELL THEM the score of a tennis match? Especially a tennis match that is being played in AUSTRALIA and has thus not AIRED ON TV YET because it took place at THREE IN THE MORNING our time?

See, if I WANTED to know the score, I would GO ONLINE AND FIND OUT. Ergo: your email is STUPID. When I check my email, I am online. If I wanted to find out the score, I would already have looked it up. If, perchance, I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCORE, BECAUSE I HAD PLANS TO GO TO THE GYM AND WATCH THE TAPED MATCH BEING BROADCAST, (which, incidentally, are plans that I MENTIONED TO YOU, yesterday) THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED IT UP, AND YOUR EMAIL WOULD PISS ME OFF.

A LOT. AND I WOULD ABUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY. KIND OF LIKE THIS.

Seriously.

The purpose of a blog is to obnoxiously self-call

I'M FAMOUS. In that "a semi-popular blog linked my stories" kind of way.

*fends off paparazzi*

Dear Urban Outfitters,

Thank you SO much for emailing us that link. It was EXACTLY what we needed to see today, it being so seasonal and all. Please fuck off and die.

Love,
Caffeinegirl's frozen toes

Profs are so handy for quotes

"Plato never married, which means that he never experienced cohabitation. One of the benefits of cohabitation is that sometimes, it comes with small, miniature poodles. They can be very crafty, as they will do anything, absolutely anything to get extra treats. It’s not right. It really isn't. Anyway, yeah, Plato never had that."

From this shockingly accurate description of college majors:

"PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs."

Apparently, no one forwarded this to my professor. He's actually quite good, in that he totally breaks my brain and causes me to have an existential crisis after every class, but he also likes to assign 275 pages of reading in a night and hands out papers like they're going out of style.

I am, of course, supposed to be writing a paper AT THIS VERY SECOND.

/click the link and read the English one
//REPUBLIC OF IRELAND

An anonymous kindred spirit

Seen taped to the broken printer in the student center:

"This printer is broken. A part has been ordered. In the mean time, I suggest you A) head to the library to print, and b) CALM DOWN. Think of something pleasant, like a puppy, or a friendly hedgehog, or whatever."

Hi, I'm cool

Footnote #55 cites ME. And no, I didn't put it there.

SWEET.

/nerd
//currently writing for paper instead of doing homework
///oops

I quit.

Theoretical directions:

1. Read "the printer is out of paper."

2. Remove paper from storage tray next to printer.

3. Insert paper into printer.

4. Press "resume" button.

What I actually end up saying:

1. What's the error message? Yes, I actually need to know the error message. You clicked cancel without reading it? Of course. Try to print again. Yes! That! The LARGE BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCREEN. Read it out loud.

2. Alright, funnily enough, "out of paper" means...you need to put in more paper. Cryptic, I know. The extra paper is next to the printer. On the left. Your other left. NOT ALL OF IT AT ONCE. Jesus. Just take some of it.

3. Ok, now this goes into the printer. Where? Where the paper was before. Yes, I know the paper tray is empty now, but I assure you, it's right there. On the front. Yes, the thing that looks like it holds paper. Excellent! You're a regular MacGyver.

4. We just need to PRESS THE RESUME BUTTON. It's the one that says "resume." And is flashing red. Oh God that's the indicator light. Yes, I know I said it was flashing red, but technically, the little indicator light is just off to the left and the LARGE ROUND BUTTON is what you are supposed to press. Yes, all the way down. What? Fine, use your thumb. Index finger is fine too. No, it doesn't MATTER. Don't you have several advanced degrees?

5. Alright then, we should be go--no, that's fine. It's just printing a test page. Yes, I promise it will print your document right after the test page. It didn't lose it! Really! I will bet you--I will bet you a trip to TAHITI. Because when I win, I can GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

Sheesh.