I wish

that I had come up with this.

Quote of the Day

"Caffeinegirl! We are not printing 'it's an erratically loading web page.'"

"Why not?"

"Because...I'm sane?"

"But I'm not!"

"I know, but one of us has to be!"

~The Grammar Goddess
and moi

Fuck you, IvyGate

No news today?

Oh you are so original, IvyGate. OMG Hanover = TEH BOONIES, LOL!!!TWELVE!!!!

I suggest you reword your link. How about "Kickass reporter who just pulled an all-nighter manages to write 400 eloquent words about nothing"?

Yeah. Let's go with that.

See?

Bad: You pull an all-nighter

Also Bad: Your prof pulls an all-nighter

Freaking awesome: Your prof gives a two-hour lecture completely cracked out on caffeine.

I should

print this out and mail it.

Noodles with sesame sauce can burn the inside of your nose.

/Regrettably, I did not achieve the big finish and actually snarf the noodle, so my level of coolness among 7th grade boys is not guaranteed.

According to the unofficial list circulated through DHS in 2006, there were 9 faculty members who were definitively smarter than the students.

Dartmouth College currently employs about 350 tenured or tenure-track professors.

I have yet to encounter one who is not a genius of frightening proportions

/I'll just cower in the back of the classroom, thanks.

To: Los Profesores

You have two options:

1. Stop assigning your own papers.

OR

2. WRITE SHORTER PAPERS.

Thanks!


/woman! 53 pages! SERIOUSLY.
//Fine, it's at least a coherent 53 pages and you used a SchoolHouse rock song last lecture to explain something. I forgive you.
///FOR NOW.

I. FUCKING. QUIT.

iiiiii gave up swearing for lent. THAT LASTED LONG. but SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY SEIROUSLY SERIOUSLY.

I AM FAILING ALL OF MY CLASSES. PARTLY BECAUSE I WORK FOR THE PAPER. and i GO to the paper like a good little paper-bitch and GET a story and GO to the event, which was A BORING SPEECH, FYI and WRITE about the event and spend SIX HOURS OF MY LIFE THERE AND AS I'M LEAVING, THEY CANCEL MY STORY.

COUDLNT' YOU HAVE CANCELED IT...OH...I DON'T KNOW...BEFORE I WROTE IT?

but of course, they couldn't, because there was late breaking news that pushed me off and that's not their fault so it's NOBODY'S FAULT WHICH MEANS I HAVE NO ONE TO BEAT UP AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY. AND THAT WAS SIX HOURS DURING WHICH I COULD HAVE STUDIED.

AND i'm so fucking tired that i can't even WRITE COHERENTLY so this isn't even going to be AMUSING or anything WRITING NEWS IS KILLING MY ABILITY TO WRITE CREATIVELY AND IT'S ALSO EATING MY SOUL KTXBAI.

BUT. i will carry on. BECAUSE THERE ARE THINGS AND THEY PISS ME OFF.

LIKE PEOPLE WHO CURVE THEIR MIDTERMS SO THAT NUMERICALLY, YOU GET AN A, BUT ACTUALLY, YOU GET A B+. THAT IS NOT FAIR. you're supposed to curve up, not down! note that is not actually my grade, i've only seen the statistics, not my actual exam, BECAUSE I LEFT BEFORE SHE COULD GIVE ME MY MIDTERM, WHICH I'M SURE SHE NOTICED, BECAUSE, DUH SHE STILL HAS THE MIDTERM.

also yes this is the oft-quoted prof, so i can't just like, blame it on her being a bitch or something, because she isn't. damn.

and while we're on the subject, I often come off like A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT, so i'm afraid to talk in class, so i'm always really really really nervous/incoherent LIKE TODAY, when i used a phrase that i CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER because it had approximately seven hundred adverbs in a row, and she REPEATED IT, kind of like "riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, ok, you're a spazz." which is unfair, because she's kind of a spazz. and then i DIED. it was tragic.

I HAVE TO GET UP IN 5.5 hours, fyi, BECAUSE I HAVE DRILL SO I CAN GO TO SPAIN, WHCIH I HATE. DRILL, NOT SPAIN. I HAVEN'T BEEN TO SPAIN, ERGO I CANNOT HATE IT. YET.

there was no reason for most of that to be in caps lock.

BUT THERE IS REASON FOR THIS TO BE IN CAPS LOCK. BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE who WALK OUT OF A MIDTERM, turn to you, and say "yeah, i totally rocked that test" BECAUSE THEN YOU STAB THEIR BRAINS. FUCK YOU. EVEN IF YOU TOTALLY ROCKED IT, I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ABOUT IT TWO SECONDS AFTER I TOOK THE TEST. ALSO, YOU'RE A BITCH, and a large part of me really hopes that you did NOT indeed rock the test.

ANYWAY. i'm now contemplating whether i should make up some excuse for why i sort of slipped out of class before she could give me my midterm and then i can awkwardly blitz her being like HI I'M A COMPLETE NUTCASE, BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT, BECAUSE YOU'VE MET ME FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS.

I FAIL.

Not that this was open to debate

...but it should probably be repeated as many times as possible:

Tina Turner is the DEFINITION of awesome. (She's all "Yeah, I'm 68...AND YOUR POINT?")

I'm limiting myself to two links, because I could go on all day.

/I am making up for the shame of not actually knowing who Tina Turner was until Simon compared Melinda Doolittle to her on American Idol.
//*SHAME*

Catch-22

I came here to have conversations about the implications of post-Civil War Republican party policy in Food Court at ungodly hours of the night.

And I have the conversations. Which means I don't do my reading. Which means I'm going to get kicked out.

itbooops.

DAMN. IT.

Points lost due to calculus mistakes: 0

Points lost due to arithmetic mistakes: 17

Points lost due to SHEER IDIOCY that was circled and tagged with "huh?" by the professor: 11

/The "how the fuck did you get by the admissions office" was implied.

Things That Have Been Known To Bother Me, Part Eighty-Five Qunitillion and Two

1. When the snow unexpectedly turns to rain and causes large, gigantic puddles. Fun Fact: stepping in said puddles while wearing Uggs WILL CAUSE THE DYE TO LEACH ONTO YOUR SKIN. I look like the victim of some kind of horrific tanning accident.

2. PUDDLES THAT FREEZE. And are that kind of black ice that look very much like it isn't there. It appears that I am quite talented at FINDING this hidden ice, especially while running at top speed to my 7:30am class.

That said, if there was a campus record for DISTANCE one slid on the ice after falling in a graceless screaming heap of SCHWOMP, I would totally own it.

3. Professors who A) Hold class at 7:30am, B) Pride themselves on NEVER canceling class C) especially if it snowed 16 inches the night before.

4. Professors who CANCEL CLASS. This is why I have no blog content--she went off somewhere to present a paper. The NERVE of some people, being all academic and famous--I NEED QUOTES.

5. Candidates I support dropping out of the primaries, which leads to

6. Accidentally voting for Hillary Clinton.

7. Disagreeing with every candidate currently involved and deciding that the only solution is to move to Barbados, but having drastic lack of plane ticket funding.

There is always more, but #8. PEOPLE WHO THINK IT IS TOTALLY REASONABLE TO ASSIGN THE ENTIRETY OF Leviathan in ONE NIGHT are preventing me from finishing.

To satisfy the teeming masses:

an update. It's rather short.

Should I go to Spain, or not? Vote in the comments.