Friday, August 31, 2007

Things that Have Been Known To Bother Me, Part LXVII

1. When you're trying to remove the lid from a cup of Jello and rip off the little foil tab instead, requiring you to stab the Jello with a fork in a strawberry-bloody kind of way.

2. Biting into a stale Oreo.

3. Having inexplicable dreams involving your former high school math teacher wearing fetish heels.

4. Lacking some kind of method to bleach your brain of the aforementioned imagery.

5. When your parents threaten to kick you out of the house because you won't look at your grades, and your bank balance is $26.41, so this isn't going to go well.


Civilization has ended

Please confine your screams of horror to fewer than 130 decibels and close the door on your way out.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Dear The City of Stamford,

Please, for the LOVE OF CHEESE, fix your traffic lights.

Unreasonably optimistically,

Dear Everyone Else Who Has to Drive Through The City of Stamford, Because We All Know That They Are Never Going to Fix The Damn Lights,

Yes, the traffic lights are out of sync. Yes, this sucks. Believe me I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I'm sitting in the same traffic. BUT.

If the light is GREEN but traffic is not moving because the freaking light in front of it is still RED, DO NOT PULL INTO THE INTERSECTION. You know why? Because eventually this light will also turn red, and then you become the dumbass in the middle of the intersection inspiring a thousand and one honks. Which are not some kind of salute to your brilliance, fyi.

Also, now that we've covered this, when I practice what I preach and DON'T pull up, thus AVOIDING this kind of situation, it is really unnecessary to curse me out. I'll admit to being a white bitch, but I draw the line at the addition of the adjective "motherfucking."

I'll see your finger and raise you a grenade,

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

There are actual things I need to post

and then there's this.

I believe we have equal parts awwwww and sad.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Your skeletal structure defies millions of years of evolution and in any other time you would die in childbirth.

How did those genes survive? Why?

Was it so you could exist to be photographed in silk and Anna Wintour-approved feathers? To smile from your glossy page with silent superiority?

I could live on air and tears, but the fact would remain that even stripped of fat and muscle, the bones of my desiccated corpse would far exceed your own in circumference, and I would die hating you.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

I don't have enough hands

I'm about to go work out and I'm so sad. Afterwards, I will have to shower, and my hair will no longer be perfectly blow-dried.

I have purchased innumerable variations on the round brush, but have finally concluded that it is not the tools, it is I.


I can describe my lack of coordination with perfect grammar, so I win.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Blah blah blah Spamalot reference

In response to recent inquiries: No, I am not dead yet. Unfortunately.

There will be no discussion of organic chemistry, except to note that my previous metaphor was slightly off. It's really more like sticking your eye with a rusty syringe, draining the intraocular fluid, and replacing it with pickle juice. I could get into the subtleties of WHY a certain metaphor is superior but that would be talking about it.

So instead we're going to do an installment of Things I Would Really Like to Say, But Have Not, Because It Costs Fifty Thousand Dollars A Year to Go To College

1. If you cut that piece of shortbread in half, I will shove it up your nostril. We both know it's twenty calories a serving. EAT. IT.

2. Smoking is generally, A Bad Thing. But if the smoker in question is 85, she's already beaten the odds. STOP. BITCHING.

3. It is scientifically impossible for you to die as a result of missing a telephone call from your boyfriend. Especially if it's the fifth call THIS HOUR.

4. I swear TO GOD the next time you correct my grammar I will BLUDGEON YOU WITH MY COPY OF STRUNK AND WHITE. I KNOW that it's "It wasn't I." I KNOW. It's the predicate nominative because of the implied "to be." May I introduce you to the vernacular?

5. Yes, J.K. Rowling ripped off Tolkein. I realize that there is no such thing as an archetype. She's obviously a terrible HACK writer and of COURSE you would be EMBARRASSED to be associated with such a franchise. Especially the famous, successful part.

6. If you use the term "huge" to describe a sandwich because it has more than one piece of bread, I will force feed you a can of Crisco.

7. Your book? SUCKS.

8. No, I never EVER passed out in the library. This is something I am making up to get attention. I'm so glad you were able to see through such a transparent story.

9. Could we stop discussing people who NO LONGER WORK FOR THE DARIEN SCHOOL SYSTEM? THANK YOU.

10. The phrase "spending calories" makes me want to vomit up my lungs. There is no "calorie budget" and you do not determine if butter is "worth the marginal cost." This is not economics. It'S FOOD.

11. You know what would be nice? If I could mention a person in conversation WITHOUT prompting a little tangent about said person's weight, hair, makeup, and/or clothing. The next time you use the term "round" about A.) a person, and B.) a person who weighs about 135, I will defenestrate myself.


But you know what? My life no longer involves organic chemistry.

Life is good.