Saturday, July 28, 2007

I now fear sunlight

If you see me post, please yell at me, for I should be studying. Not that it will help.

I shall emerge from my cave on August 16th.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Translated for your horror and amusement.

So,this is what they say.

And this is what they mean:

Executive Order, as delicately rephrased by someone who may or may not have consumed JUST A TAD of caffeine:

By the authority granted to me as a male member of a long-time influential family in American politics and the refreshing sheep-like loyalty of the average middle-American Republican voter:

I, George Bush, President of the United States of America Jesusland, find that since I feel like creating a policy that violates several well respected amendments of the Constitution, I will whip out the “OH NOES TURRERISTS!” card, because that seems to work well with you people.

Hmmm…which version should I use? How about this: We are shocked and dismayed that any Americans might take action threatening our efforts to bring PEACE AND STABILITY AND RECONSTRUCTION GOODNESS to Iraq. Why are you laughing? No, the U.S. did not start this war, thus causing all the problems in the first place. It was terrorists, I tell you, terrorists! Why do you hate America?

Anyway, we haven’t raped the Constitution enough, so we’re expanding on our previous attempts.

Section 1. Except for the loopholes that we already slipped in to cover our Haliburton buddies’ collective asses:

We’re in ur legalese, seizin ur propertiez!


I know, I know, I can’t just go right out and take it, I have to cover my ass and have some kind of justifiable reason, so…hmm. Damn, I used lots of my good material in the Patriot Act…

I’ve got it! If Bob, Hank, and Condi say so! Sweet. Especially because they’re pretty good about doing what I tell them to, so essentially if I say so. This is fucking brilliant.

Okay, better throw in some legalese about the Iraq stuff…blah blah blah interfering-with-reconstruction-efforts-cakes. Whatev.

Doesn’t really matter what I say here? Know why?


Not a judge! Not a jury! Not anybody interested in issuing a warrant!

No judicial involvement of ANY KIND! The Cabinet members have the ABSOLUTE FINAL SAY!

Dude, I should have done this years ago.

What? Oh, the Constitution. Amendments Four and Five? Can you read them to me? Yeah, I used my copy as toilet paper when we ran out a while back. My bad.

4th: “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

5th “No person shall be deprived of… life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.”

Well, that’s interesting, I suppose. Shame I don’t care.

Sec. 2. Anyway. No violating the rules we make up. Not allowed. Yes, that’s another rule I just made up. What, a government where one branch seizes absolute authority to make all the laws is inherently unjust and prone to corruption because that one branch can never be properly investigated? You don’t say.

Sec. 3. For the purposes of this order: the terms “person,” “entity,” and “United States person” mean whatever the hell I want them to.

Sec. 4. Thought you saw a loophole? OH SNAP, NO! Sorry.

Sec. 5. Oh, also, we don’t have to tell you when we do it. Zing!

Sec. 6. Hmmm…have I wantonly expanded the government’s power enough? Of course not! Basically, if we have to do it to carry out this order, it’s allowed. Abuse of power? What? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Sec. 7. *Legalese to induce brain aneurysm in case anybody read this far*

Sec. 8. Oho! You think you can use this against ME? NUH UH! I win, you lose. Hee.

Ghostwritten by me, Cheney. What, you think Shrub writes his own stuff? You guys are so cute. He’s off playing with his Xbox. Oh, by the way: nobody tell him that Condi used a cheat code to put him in God-mode in Halo. He thinks he’s winning it all by himself and it will take HOURS to shut him up if he finds out. Later, bitches. You’re ALL my bitches. BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!

Anyone know where I can get one of those masks from V for Vendetta?

Saturday, July 14, 2007

I can't decide if it's the freaking quarter system or the freaking science classes

I was just talking to Everyone's All-Purpose Gay Boyfriend and realized that last term, he had 9 hours of class a week and got three credits.

Me? I had 15 hours of class a week and got...two credits.

He advised me to spend more time working the system.

I am the system's bitch.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

It's only sad if you stop laughing

As I am wont to do, I had "forgotten" to call my house for...a few days. I answered the eighth of my mother's frantic emails when I returned from lab at 11:30. She thought the response was hillarious and called me to tell me so, even lamenting that there was no "way to publish writing like this."

Oh yes. It's a shame that no one has a way to publicize their daily random pieces of writing in an easily updatable digital format. Yup.

The email:
"i just got home from lab. shoot me. thanks. and i had my 18 millionth chicken patty for dinner AND THEY ROTATED THE ITEMS ON THE SALAD BAR AND THERE IS NO MORE HUMMUS. which is tragic because hummus was like a foodgroup for me. AND they switched out the vanilla columbo frozen yogurt for some weird strawberry bannana thing. i hate them. AND Fabulously Snarky British Girl's mom was in boston and took her to chez henri. she had a steak. we were all jealous. but lab at night is by definition horrible but actually not so bad, beause by then everyone is crazy, PLUS dr. alloise leaves, so the TAs were like SWEET let's blast music. my brain is not actually working now.

It's actually not that funny because this remains my state of mind.


I can't shoot him, so I'll shoot myself.

And this is why.

Honestly, what's the point of taking orgo if all of your scientific knowledge has to be explained to the freaking head of state using big colored pictures and hand puppets?

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Window screen: 839, Me: 0

In theory:

Catch fly with time-tested cup/slide a piece of paper under the cup method. Open window screen, release fly. Return to studying.

In practice:

Spend twenty minutes waiting for the fucking fly to JUST LAND ALREADY. Fly lands. Sneeze, spurring fly to buzz off again. Amputate nose.

Fail multiple times at dropping cup on fly. Realize that shadow is a giveaway, approach from other direction. Snag fly, engage in justified fist-pump.

Realize that you lack a suitable piece of paper to slide under. Take eyes off of cup for 1.5 seconds to get paper from printer.

Carry cup to unopened window. Open with shoulder, hit funny bone. Swear. Attempt to force screen up, curse chemistry test for inducing massive lack of nails. Bleed on screen.

Release the fly. Fly? Hello? Examine cup to see if fly has taken up fly.

Discover fly on ceiling pointing and laughing. Consider swatting the little fucker right there.

Repeat ENTIRE AGONIZING FLY CATCHING PROCESS, but for variety, replace the ill-timed sneeze with an unfortunately ringing cell phone.

Successfully release fly. Let two enormous moths into room for a net gain of one bug.

Counsel moths, point out that love affair with giant lamp is ill-advised.

Give up, waste time writing blog post.

And that's why I'm going to fail my Orgo test! WHY CAN'T I JUST KILL A BUG? Seriously. I can't. Surprisingly, it's for once not due to my massive klutziness--fly swatters fall ino the "tennis racket" category. I just...don't actually swat. And every time, I stand there and think "You've killed mice and rats, why can't you do this?" But when you decapitate the baby rat, it's For Science, and enters the part of your brain that exists blissfully unaware, and you very carefully don't let yourself think about it. Swatting bugs---I don't know. No laboratory, no swat.

Except for mosquitos. Seriously, you come in to suck my blood, all bets are off.

Friday, July 06, 2007


Hello, my VAST and adoring audience!

I apologize. I take Orgo. And I have five half-written posts saved that I can't finish, because Orgo has taken the sad, pathetic humor that I had and sucked even that dry. Ooooh, dehydration synthesis reaction! (Ba-dum-CHHH!)

But honestly? I laughed when the head of the chem department at Dartmouth warned me that I would be "eating, sleeping, and breathing Orgo" but now I must admit that if Johnny Depp showed up at my door wearing nothing but a thin film of chocolate, I would tell him to fuck off.

Unless, of course, he could help me with these diastereoisomer configurations.