Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I'm not making this shit up

(Background: This is in office hours, not in class)

"Exactly, like in The Hunt for Red October. God, I think I blew my credibility by using that as an example in class yesterday...I suppose it could have been worse, because at least I didn't mention the most important part of the movie: hot guys. Lots of hot guys. I mean, you start with Denzel Washington, but Alex Baldwin, like, pre-crazy Alex Baldwin, that kind of tips the scale. Hmmm...wasn't Fred Thompson in that movie? Yeah, he's the Secretary of Defense, which means I could completely justify showing that in class...current political connections...right. Anyway...what was your question again?"

I attempted to keep a neutral expression on my face when the phrase "hot guys" came out of her mouth, but I'm not 100% sure I was successful.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

This lecture is totally worth $200 an hour

Background: Prof went to MIT

"Now, to put North Korea's nuclear capability in perspective, let's examine a theoretical detonation on a major U.S. city. *Pulls up map* Who should we nuke? Ooooh! Let's nuke Harvard! Ok, so nuked. *outlines radius of destruction* Not really a big effect, huh. I mean, yeah, Harvard's gone, and some of Cambridge is gone. Boston's totally fine. Is MIT ok? *Peers at map* Yup, outside the blast zone. Whew. Oh wait...fallout. Oh, and fire. Yeah, MIT's totally on fire. Screw that."

I just ate a chocolate peanut butter brownie

I know that there are probably some really interesting feedback systems and pathways here, but really:


Also, as soon as I'm done confirming the results of the experiment, I swear I will actually WRITE A POST instead a quote or a link or a tragically fwomped lolcat.

Monday, January 28, 2008

This is the single greatest idea EVER

From OverheardInNewYork:

Boss: What's your password? I want to sign in and test the new system we set up.
Office gal: 'Detonate.'
Boss: [Silence.]
Office gal: What? I like typing 'Detonate' and hitting 'Enter'! It's extremely satisfying!

60 East 42nd Street
New York, New York

I am totally changing all my passwords.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Friday, January 25, 2008

Funny LJ icons I have seen lately

Hangover: The Wrath Of Grapes

My Furby Can Kick Your Furby's Ass

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work. Nope, can't come in today, still queer.

Neville Longbottom has had it with this motherfucking snake at motherfucking Hogwarts

Reason has been a part of organized religion ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Earth: Mostly Harmless. This article is a "stub." You can help the Guide by expanding it.

/bumper stickers for the bumper-less
//is bumper-less

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Why the HELL would you EMAIL SOMEONE to TELL THEM the score of a tennis match? Especially a tennis match that is being played in AUSTRALIA and has thus not AIRED ON TV YET because it took place at THREE IN THE MORNING our time?

See, if I WANTED to know the score, I would GO ONLINE AND FIND OUT. Ergo: your email is STUPID. When I check my email, I am online. If I wanted to find out the score, I would already have looked it up. If, perchance, I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCORE, BECAUSE I HAD PLANS TO GO TO THE GYM AND WATCH THE TAPED MATCH BEING BROADCAST, (which, incidentally, are plans that I MENTIONED TO YOU, yesterday) THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED IT UP, AND YOUR EMAIL WOULD PISS ME OFF.



Friday, January 18, 2008

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dear Urban Outfitters,

Thank you SO much for emailing us that link. It was EXACTLY what we needed to see today, it being so seasonal and all. Please fuck off and die.

Caffeinegirl's frozen toes

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Profs are so handy for quotes

"Plato never married, which means that he never experienced cohabitation. One of the benefits of cohabitation is that sometimes, it comes with small, miniature poodles. They can be very crafty, as they will do anything, absolutely anything to get extra treats. It’s not right. It really isn't. Anyway, yeah, Plato never had that."

Monday, January 14, 2008

From this shockingly accurate description of college majors:

"PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs."

Apparently, no one forwarded this to my professor. He's actually quite good, in that he totally breaks my brain and causes me to have an existential crisis after every class, but he also likes to assign 275 pages of reading in a night and hands out papers like they're going out of style.

I am, of course, supposed to be writing a paper AT THIS VERY SECOND.

/click the link and read the English one

Saturday, January 12, 2008

An anonymous kindred spirit

Seen taped to the broken printer in the student center:

"This printer is broken. A part has been ordered. In the mean time, I suggest you A) head to the library to print, and b) CALM DOWN. Think of something pleasant, like a puppy, or a friendly hedgehog, or whatever."

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Hi, I'm cool

Footnote #55 cites ME. And no, I didn't put it there.


//currently writing for paper instead of doing homework

Friday, January 04, 2008

I quit.

Theoretical directions:

1. Read "the printer is out of paper."

2. Remove paper from storage tray next to printer.

3. Insert paper into printer.

4. Press "resume" button.

What I actually end up saying:

1. What's the error message? Yes, I actually need to know the error message. You clicked cancel without reading it? Of course. Try to print again. Yes! That! The LARGE BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCREEN. Read it out loud.

2. Alright, funnily enough, "out of paper" need to put in more paper. Cryptic, I know. The extra paper is next to the printer. On the left. Your other left. NOT ALL OF IT AT ONCE. Jesus. Just take some of it.

3. Ok, now this goes into the printer. Where? Where the paper was before. Yes, I know the paper tray is empty now, but I assure you, it's right there. On the front. Yes, the thing that looks like it holds paper. Excellent! You're a regular MacGyver.

4. We just need to PRESS THE RESUME BUTTON. It's the one that says "resume." And is flashing red. Oh God that's the indicator light. Yes, I know I said it was flashing red, but technically, the little indicator light is just off to the left and the LARGE ROUND BUTTON is what you are supposed to press. Yes, all the way down. What? Fine, use your thumb. Index finger is fine too. No, it doesn't MATTER. Don't you have several advanced degrees?

5. Alright then, we should be go--no, that's fine. It's just printing a test page. Yes, I promise it will print your document right after the test page. It didn't lose it! Really! I will bet you--I will bet you a trip to TAHITI. Because when I win, I can GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.