Friday, December 18, 2009

Keep your enemies closer

Sometimes I feel like I could hurt you so much.

I'll never be exactly sure, much like how I will never understand you, but I do know exactly what to say. Maybe you'll brush it off.

Maybe it will haunt you twenty years later.

Maybe I completely mean to be a bitch.

Associate professors

I have always wondered if she truly understands the situation. If she realizes what she has gotten herself into.

I have imagined her asking me for my opinion, and I have practiced wry, off-the cuff-style responses.

He's really more like a concept. A myth. Head tilt. A legend.

Truth be told I would probably freeze up, stammer. Change the subject.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

how I know that is really not important at this time.

Confessions Part II

Bless me, Father, for I confess to almighty God and to you Father that I have sinned. It has been fourteen years since my last confession. I did not receive absolution or perform my penance.

I have wasted talent.

I have squandered opportunity.

I am sorry for these, and all the sins of my past life, especially for sins against myself, and ask for absolution from almighty God and from you, Father, for my sins.

I will absolutely commit them again.

no lo eres

lo siento. así es es. debía nunca metirte, pero estaba facil así.

y si, sé que puedes leer este.

no me importa.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

why does something that is so bad for you give you such a rush

lifehacking bodyhacking brainhacking

Monday, October 26, 2009

I used to be happy

Sunday, October 18, 2009

i do not think so

do you realize
that we have inadvertently entered a terrible competition

(it is possible your behavior has nothing to do with me but i still apologize, albeit egomaniacally)

do you realize how bizarrely meaningful it is, this difference in the manifestation of our fading obsession?

there are possibilities
perhaps i am the obsessive, watching counting calculating business that is not my own

or you are woefully oblivious and ignoring what happens so often in front of your eyes

(haven't you wondered, calculated, ever? maybe you blamed good genes. maybe you just didn't care.)

do you realize that i you me we all of us are crazy

and that even if you do go to cambridge, you have to take your mind with you

I do not

understand why you said you would leave it at that.

She cheated.

You caught her.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

you know what's annoying?

people who not only have Ph.Ds, but are also extremely hot.

you are too fucking much with the boots

Friday, October 16, 2009

i don't really

care if you are a bitch or not a bitch or if you mean to be in either of those states

i do care that you stopped smiling

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

this is why i never could have been a doctor. not just because of my terrible add
i will always see people as people

and right now they're really terrifying

Sunday, October 04, 2009

you are starting to scare me

Thursday, October 01, 2009

i fucking hate the remix. not only because it's called the fucking BLEND, bitches, but also because they insist on selling milkshakes.

ARE THEY UNAWARE OF WHAT A PROBLEM THIS IS? of where they are, of who they are selling these to, size24rockandrepublicsareyoufuckingseriouslookather

also they use unflavored soy milk, what the fuck.

Friday, September 25, 2009

she let me break my own dreams

now i have to let you break yours

i always assumed she was just sadistic, but I realize now that it is far worse to be her

holden caulfield was a lunatic but he had a point

Monday, August 31, 2009

i have a better one

Artists may use lies to tell the truth, but reporters use the truth to tell lies.

Let's all think about how poignant that would be in a non-emo context.

we are now passing alpha centuari

"I've brought you a present, Kathryn."

She turned too quickly, uncharacteristically startled. It was her.

"You shouldn't have come." Kathryn didn't meet her eyes.

The other woman smiled. "I thought we agreed there would be no discussion."

Kathryn looked at her disdainfully. "That would have required discussion."

"You always broke your own rules." She reached for Kathryn's hair.

She jerked awake before she could cry out. Realized where she was, that she was still dressed.

She told herself, again, that dreams meant nothing

Friday, July 17, 2009



I don't really like Snickers, but now I totally want a Snaxi.

It could live in my driveway and we would call it Steve!

Monday, July 06, 2009



but not enough to eat them.


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Even I think this is a bit excessive:

Aren't you legally insane after 72 hours anyway?

Sunday, June 21, 2009


The word is WEIRD.

W. E. I. R. D.


Wednesday, June 03, 2009

come here let me break your dreams

it would have been better if you had broken them yourself instead of letting me do it, you know

which is, of course, why you let me do it

Sunday, May 31, 2009






and no, I never actually mixed you up with her BECAUSE YOU DO NOT LOOK THE SAME.


breaking a streak of consistent gravity

planetary exit in progress

*lame joke about mass and gravitational pull*

once more into the breach

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

he perdido mi mente.

necessita un cortado.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Love Ally

ally v. to form or enter in to an alliance


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

People who don't want kids should not have them.

Stay tuned for our shocking expose on water being wet.

Monday, May 04, 2009


i am a sigma delta lady

and there is nothing you can fucking do about it

Friday, May 01, 2009


Do not read Stuff White People Like on your iPhone during class

Note: if you are talking to a white person who is really into Bob Marley, has dreadlocks, and professes to be a Rastafarian, you should end the conversation immediately. These people are of no value unless you need directions to a WTO protest or have questions about how bad a human can smell.

You could snort really loudly and have everyone look at you.


Today I told J. L. that I had a really unlegit job with an important sounding title.

She said that "sounded important."

She is the only person in the entire world I have ever actually wanted to impress but that is so not impressive.

I wanted to smack her for not knowing the difference.


Tuesday, April 28, 2009


it were not so easy, if the milkshake weren't so liquid, so dairy-based, so easy


they locked the bathroom in the basement


she did not mean to be a bitch

but mostly


i were not me


Friday, April 24, 2009

you would want my favorite song

now i feel like it might have been different and it was my fault that it was not

if I were there when we first took the pill / then maybe, then maybe, then maybe, then maybe / miracles will happen as we speak / but we're never going to survive


Epic fail

yadda yadda yadda sincreatismo yadda...wait what the fuck is sincreatismo?

*Spanish to English dictionary*

sincreatismo masc. n.


*English to English dictionary*


Thursday, April 23, 2009

Thought processs

*Headphones fall out of bag*

*Headphones get replaced in jacket pocket*

Self, move those headphones into your bag. You will wear a different jacket tomorrow and you will be sad.

*Hours pass*

*It starts to rain*

*Different jacket is worn*

*Boredom/need for 80s music while reading*

Where the fuck are my headphones?



Friday, April 17, 2009


if you only eat chocolate and french fries, you'll develop scurvy, right?

Friday, April 10, 2009

Oh I know. I'll get sushi. That's healthy.

Ingredients: spicy mayonnaise, deep fried batter, avocado

and some fish

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Now that I've translated it I have to write about it FML

Esto es la verdad. Y espero que estuviera en Barca ahora, con un copa de vino, en vez de en una aula en la biblioteca con una taza de café horible.

Sería mejor si pudiera escribirlo en italiano.

The Enigmas

You have asked me what the crustaceans spin in their golden claws
and I reply: the sea knows.
You ask me, what does the sea squirt wait for in its transparent globe ? For what is it waiting?
I tell you that like you, it waits for the time.
You ask me, who does the giant kelp reach to embrace?
Inquire, ask me this again, at a certain hour, in a certain sea that I know.
You will undoubtedly ask me about the cursed ivory of the narwhale, and I will have to describe the manner in which the sea unicorn dies, harpooned and suffering.
Perhaps you will ask me about the untroubled feathers that tremble in the pure origins of the austral tide pools?
And about the jellyfish's crystalline construction--you are no doubt toying with this other problem, trying to unriddle it now?
Do you want to know the electric matter of the seafloor's spines?
The armed stalactite that cracks as it walks?
The lure of the anglerfish, its siren song drawn out in the depths like a thread in the water?

I want to tell you that the sea knows this
that life in its jewel boxes is wide as the sand
impossible to count and pure
and amid the fruits of bloodshed, time has polished smooth the pearl
filled the jellyfish with light
and untangled its bouquet of coral strands,
from a cornucopia of infinite iridescence.

I am nothing but the empty net that advances
human eyes, lifeless in this darkness
fingers accustomed to the triangle, the dimensions
of the orange's shy hemisphere

I lived like you, probing
the interminable star
and in my net during the night, I awoke, naked
the only thing caught, a fish trapped inside the wind

~Pablo Neruda

Traducido por una estudiante loca durante el infierno oscuro de sus examenes.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

PSA = socially acceptable stalking = HARD CORE PORN WITH SOUND

hi periodicals room! yes, that was my computer. i'll just quietly die now, thanks.
i want to explain how she is crazy and because of that she is beautiful

Sunday, March 08, 2009

I am laughing in the stacks

Because of this:

You have to imagine them saying "as all hell" in a total hick accent.

she is your experimental game

you still do not remember your dreams, except for her.

she is taller than you but she is pale, fragile. almost vulnerable.

it is possible that she is the angel who has smiled at you. but it is more likely that it is indeed your fault that


is burning in your skin

que has pecado
en tus pensamientos
pero no en palabra y hecho

that the devil's servants are indeed the fallen nephil angels

and that in a perfect world you would not care

but in this one you cannot do or say anything lest you be wrong about her

Thursday, March 05, 2009


I sort of wish I was still in sixth grade, when Sophie decided she was dating Sean and they "went out" by talking on AIM and the rest of us were sort of jealous but also unanimously agreed that boys were gross.

Because it's a little more than ridiculous to be watching two of your friends playing pong and then realizing that yes, one day, they could get married and it would really not be a bad thing.

I do really wish that I could capture the way her eyes and her voice change when her phone rings and answers and it's him. I would say something about "lighting up" but that's stupid and overused and cheesy and it isn't that simple at all.

/It must be something real if cynical bitches like me take notice.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


Happy Square Root Day!
People irking me at the moment:

Rush Limbaugh
My current best friend




Oh yes, I keep track.
You stupid fucking whores. So the new president is a minority. Great. He's also pretty fucking kickass, but no. You, not I, care about his race. And now that this is on the table YOU ARE NOT EVEN THE SAME RACE AS HIM. So he's a "fellow minority." Oh that's a GREAAAAAAT line of thought. "Us" versus "them." That's worked so well in the past.

I realize that I cannot understand, nay, that I am not allowed to understand, but this is how you look to me.

I hate that you have sweatshirts. Can't we just all be people?

but then what would you bitch about

Monday, March 02, 2009

My Spanish professor is the version of Paquita that has a Ph.D. from Columbia.

Yes, apparently that's possible.


"Stressing out is so unhealthy.. people need to get over being control freaks. NATURE CANNOT BE TAMED."


Sunday, March 01, 2009

fuck mcnutt

is there a female here WITHOUT food issues?


just checking.

Thursday, February 26, 2009



The paper can be an extremely rewarding intellectual experience. You learn how to come up to speed on a complex subject quickly, conduct research in a real-time intelligence-style operational environment, adjudicate conflicting claims and theories, assess patterns of evidence, and render informed policy judgments and recommendations. All of these skills are very useful, and they are portable to other areas."

If you include this in the description of the horrific paper you have just assigned, it becomes legal for your students to kill you.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

This is logic on my planet

Oho. So I found out that you PREDICTED I would quit. Ohhhhh really. Guess what? YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME. FOREVER.

You are probably smarter and saner, but I am more stubborn.

Monday, February 23, 2009

It doesn't seem to have gotten away from you. Yet.

You are everything I am not. You paint your nails. You own pearls. You wear argyle non-ironically.

You study.

But we both know (pepperidgefarmwhitesandwichbreadequals65times2equals130)plus(3ozbakedturkey

Please. Please be careful.

Lord knows I am not.


I am never getting hired by anyone

Still full of inside jokes, but hopefully sounds less like a 13-year-old girl's Xanga than this thing does.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

How the fuck do I get into these situations?

I really need to quit my stupid, unpaid job.

But I need to talk to someone about it first.

My friend, the person I would go to to talk to about something like this, is my boss at the job.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dear the Women and Gender Studies Department,

I wrote that as a joke.

Please don't give me an A.

It hurts me.

Thanks for the GPA boost,

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Google StreetView

just freaked me THE FUCK out.

Quería un bocadillo de tortilla de calabacín para llevar por favor.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Friday, February 06, 2009

Imagine you own a theme park. It's a very successful (albeit a tad tacky) park. It happens to contain Superman: Ride of Steel, which is the greatest roller coaster IN THE HISTORY OF TIME, and has won the Golden Ticket Awards (the Oscars of the Amusement Park Industry) for the last three years running.

What do you do with your lovely award-winning much-adored coaster?

Apparently YOU FUCK WITH IT.

Superman is NOT PURPLE. New trains CHANGE THE RIDE. And if you enclose the lift hill and add *fire oooh shiny stuff* I will personally hate you for the rest of my life.
Is this real life?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Mis mejores poemes

My best poems
Were only read by one person
They are some silly cards
With much love inside
Spelling errors
And hints of longing

My best poems
Are not such, they are letters
That I write because this,
This I cannot speak
Because always he is far
Like everything good
Like everything that we value
Like god

Like the sea
I am from Casitilla and I have
A thistle for a soul
But I want to have an olive in my voice
I am from dry Castilla
I am Spanish earth
But I want to have my love in my love
It is almost funny to say this, LOVE, at this late time
LOVE in this era of companies and committees,
But I say LOVE LOVE I know what I say
—My best poems are letters that I have cried—
A poem is written
A letter is cried
A night can give birth
I have given birth and I have stolen things
—I have done a little of everything
But my best line…
Is a telegram

~Gloria Fuertes
I have never understood why it makes them so angry that somewhere, two people might be happy.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I have a huuuuuuuuuuuge girlcrush on my Spanish prof.

IF I start getting weird let me know.
you know what's really fucking annoying?

getting a "hey, i just read your story and it was SIIIIIICK" email from your editor as you are in the middle of typing out your resignation.

/such a waste of a polite resignation letter

Monday, January 19, 2009

Ce n'est pas une sororité

When I was rushing, I met eight thousand smart women pretending to be sorority Barbies, which, in my opinion, is worse than actually being the sorority Barbie. I also met this wack Australian girl.

That was a good thing.

>Date: 19 Jan 2009 22:04:02 -0500
>From: Awesome Australian Girl
>Subject: read if you can be bothered. otherwise ignore.
>To: sigmadelta@Mac

Ok, so I'm bored, and Jo just did this, and I thought it was a great idea. So I will ignore the fact that no body expressed any interest whatsoever in the little details of the land down under, and regale you with them anyway. If you actually have a life, unlike me, please feel free to ignore this and get on with it.

CURRENCY: dollars. Currently trading at about 66 US cents. This year's been crazy though - in June it got up to 98.5 cents and in late August it hit 45 cents. Notes (we don't call them bills) are also a lot more colourful than in America, and are made of plastic, so if you leave them in your boardshorts pocket and go swimming, you're golden. Also, we have $1 and $2 coins, and we got rid of 1c and 2c coins about a decade ago.

LANGUAGE: English. Like British English (same spellings and all that), but with a funny accent, and a few colourful phrases thrown in here and there.

GEOGRAPHY: Big (6th on the list). But, like Canada, also very sparsely populated -- 2.5 people per square kilometre (Canada has 3.2). Population: about 21.4 million, all of them around the coast. There is nothing (NOTHING) in the middle of the country. If you drive across from Sydney to Perth, you see signs that say "Last petrol for 400km". There are 6 states and 2 territories (NT and ACT). The capital is Canberra (pronounced cam-bra, not can-bear-ra) and the biggest city is Sydney. Perth, state capital of Western Australia, is one of the most isolated regional capitals in the world. That's where I'm from.

FLAG: see attached. The big star under the Union Jack has seven points to represent the 7 states and territories (they didn't include the Australian Capital Territory coz it's tiny, insignificant, and no one cares about Canberra anyway). The constellation on the right is the Southern Cross. It's also on the NZ flag, but their stars are red, with five points. Ours are white with 7 points.

FAMOUS PEOPLE (just some you might have heard of): Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, Heath Ledger (he was from Perth. The whole city went into shock when he died), Russel Crowe, Geoffrey Rush, Hugh Jackman, Banjo Patterson (poet, author of The Man from Snowy River), Ernie Dingo, Ian Thorpe, Shane Warne, Luc Longley (basketballer), Germaine Greer (feminist), Barry Humphries (alias Dame Edna Everage), Pat Rafter and Lleyton Hewitt (tennis players), Fiona Stanley (doctor, just about invented modern treatment for burns victims), Toni Collette, Cate Blanchett. Aussie bands you might know: Jet, Savage Garden, Missy Higgins, Crowded House, John Butler Trio, Silverchair, Men at Work, Ben Lee, Xavier Rudd...)

GOVERNMENT: Queen Elizabeth II is officially our head of state. We have our own parliament and constitution (we're very advanced like that). The current governing party is the Labor Party (the only time "labour" is spelt without a "u" for some reason), which is centre-left. The other big parties are the Liberals and Nationals (they form a coalition most of the time). There's also the Greens, One-Nation (the far-right one) and some other little ones.

INDUSTRY: Service mainly, but Mining and Agriculture make up about 60% of exports. Mostly wheat and wool, and iron-ore, gold, natural gas and coal, with some other bits and pieces thrown in (opals, silver, tin, nickel, diamonds, a bit of oil).

NATIONAL SYMBOLS: koala, kangaroo, eucalyptus tree, Sydney Opera House: the usual. Australian Rules Football, Uluru, the green and gold.
The Australian Coat of Arms shows all the states' symbols in a crest held up by a kangaroo and an emu. These two animals were chosen because a) they're both tall and b) neither can walk backwards (and our national anthem is called "Advance Australia Fair").
Funnily enough, the koala is not featured on any Australian money: the echidna, lyre bird, platypus, kangaroo and emu are.

OTHER SOURCES OF NATIONAL PRIDE: the only extant monotremes (egg-laying mammals - platypus and echidna), and most of the world's marsupials. We generally rank in the top six medal takers at the Summer Olympics, despite having a markedly smaller population than all the others at the top of that list.
In 2008, four cities (Melbourne 2nd, Perth 4th, Adelaide7th and Sydney 9th) reached The Economist's top ten "world's most livable cities" list.
The fact that we have desert, rainforest, coral reefs and alpine regions. And some of the oldest rocks on the planet (no volcanic activity helps).
Also, we walk upside-down (obviously).
And our swans are all black.

MEASUREMENTS: metric. Did you know that the imperial system is now standardised on the metric system? So an inch, officially, is 2.54cm, a foot is 30.48cm, and a mile is 1609.344m. Go figure. Initially, the metric system was defined by the French, making the distance from pole to equator 10,000km, and dividing it up accordingly. Now, a metre is defined as the distance that light travels in free space in one 299,792,458th of a second. How about that.

HOLIDAYS: We celebrate Australia Day on the 26th of January, Boxing Day on 26th of December, and there is no Thanksgiving. Most of Australia celebrates the Queen's Birthday on the second Monday in June. In Western Australia, we have Foundation day on the 1st Monday in June, so we do our own Queen's Birthday, which is kinda like Easter, with no fixed date. It's usually the last Monday in September or the 1st in October, but the State Governor decides it each year. None of these days actually celebrate any real queen's birthday, and the name will change to the King's Birthday Holiday when Charlie (or William, if it comes to that) takes the throne.

Ummmm.... I think that's it. I have successfully not done any work for about an hour now. Excellent. Good night.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Más de profesoras

My Spanish professor has the ability to pull off wearing cropped wool pants with boots. I am so impressed.

I mean she also has a Ph.D. from Columbia and is like, a big deal, but seriously: ROCKED the pants.

/ok, maybe I need MORE women and gender studies classes. Aaah!

Monday, January 12, 2009

i've decided not to make sense

your girl was named christina.

mine is neither christina nor mine.

also, in 2002 i was thirteen, which is a bit much, i think

Thursday, January 01, 2009

fuck you

i prefer "entered this mortal coil with a differently-composited eating utensil in my masticatory orifice," thankyouverymuch.