Sunday, January 28, 2007

Maybe that's what they have against it

What is it that is illegal?

Is it the actual consumption of the shot-masked-with-blue-gatorade?

Or is it that said shot lets you dance for real under a black light and not care?

Now, of course, I'm willing to concede that they have a point, but that's probably because it's the next morning.

And this computer screen is rather bright.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Never let your schooling interfere with your education

So, how do I describe my biology professor? Let's put it this way: you know Albert Einstein's hair? He is TOTALLY rocking the Einstein hair. Enough said.

Unfortunately, this means that instead of studying, I have been busy picking out choice phrases from his lecture notes.

A sampling:

These elements can be referred to by their chemical symbols. If we do this, we spell the English word CHNOPS, which, loosely defined, means "you have to memorize the chemical abbreviations for all the atoms. " Note especially how CHNOPS rolls right off your tongue.

This, of course, does not follow logically from the data, but you're going to have to trust me. Why? Because I have lots of letters after my name, that's why.

Atoms with empty orbitals are sad. But atoms that have their outermost orbitals filled are experiencing very happy and content circumstances.

Hydrogen bonds account for the unusual characteristics of water, which we will not discuss in in detail in lecture, except, obviously, to explain how water spiders work.

Regardless of what I said above, I well, kind of simplified things a bit. Ok, I outright lied. Sue me.

The pH scale goes from 0 to 14 for largely arbitrary reasons that I find too painful to discuss.

The pH of your blood is kept constant by the use of buffers, which are molecules that have the ability to take up and release protons, depending on certain characteristics into which we will not go. (Never end a sentence--or a lecture outline--with a preposition. Emoticons are perfectly ok :D )

I suppose it's kind of weird that I am obsessing over my science professor's use of language, but I suppose this is an indication that I am a gigantic biology nerd and should go be with my own kind.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I tried...

...I really did.

I was going to watch the State of the Union from a mature, objective perspective. I did not join in on the drinking game (2 shots if he says trrrurist!) down the hall.I suffered through the nucular's and the references to 9/11 and endured his notions that somehow, Iraq is now better off.

When he informed us that we would be paying income on our payroll taxes, however...

...yeah, ok, there were some explitives.

And some threats of burying him in lime jello.

And yeah, there's pieces of PopTart on the TV screen, but I totally didn't start it.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Fun with public computers

Ok, I swear I'm doing work, but:

I'm on a public computer in the library. The desktop is, naturally, full of several days worth of accumulated saved attatchments.

A sampling of file names:


Methinks we may have just a few stressed students, eh?

Indications that the temperature may be sliiightly sub-optimal

1. The insides of your nostrils freeze two seconds after you walk outside.

2. You study the campus map to take advantage of large buildings that you can walk through instead of actually going outside.
2a. You see your professor doing the same thing.
2b. You're both late.-

3. You know how when you were little, your mom ALWAYS insisted that you zip your coat ALL THE WAY UP? Past the point of regular dorkiness, to the neck, but all the way into supreme nerdhood by actually zipping it up the collar that goes past your nose?


While this is about as far from "socially acceptable" as Kraft E-Z Cheez Food Product is from a wheel of cheddar, the plus side is that no one can actually identify you.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I simply refuse

Ooooooooooooh it's snowing. Legit snowing. This morning there were these wimpy little flakes approximately every five minutes, the kind of "snow" that elicits more discussion about the state of its existence than accumulation, but that has built up into BIG FAT WHITE FLAKES!

So I'm all SNOOOOOOOOOW WOOOOO PAR-TAY, and The Awesome Roomate is all shaking her head and mouthing "she's five" and my completely childish excitement is building when I realized...WE DON'T HAVE SNOW DAYS.

And a little part of me died right there. Or grew up, which is worse. So much of the childish excitement exists because snow makes things DIFFERENT. Snow is a change in the daily routine. Snow gets in our faces and says I'm here and I will FORCE you to take time off and appreciate how cool I look on the trees.

Apparently, the real world would rather slog through the snow and pretend that it's business as usual.

However, I simply refuse to grow up, so I am planning to, in the event of Extremely Legit Snow, declare a personal snow day.

I'm positive that my professors will be impressed.

Jaw. Stuck. Open.

Dear. God.

Yes, this is an appropriate reaction.

Now, this Holy Grail of Technology is, of course, approximately eleventy billion dollars, so get out of my way before I mug you.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Things I just know

Times tables.
Geeky Star Trek facts.
If your hair is natural or bleached.

The number of calories in any given food.

The Awesome Roommate? DOESN'T KNOW THAT. Seriously. It came up while we were buying groceries and I started quizzing her. She has NO IDEA.

"Hey, Awesome Roommate? How many calories in a Pop-Tart?"

"Oh I don't know. Thirty?" She was serious.

"Hon, it's WAY higher than thirty. WAY."

"Oh. Six hundred?"

GOOD GOD. (The answer, by the way, is 200 if it's chocolatey flavored, 210 if it's fruit. See? Chocolate is good for you!)

But how do you have NO SENSE OF THAT? A can of regular soda is 140. A candy bar is between 210 and 280, M&Ms lowest, Twix highest. Oreo-sized cookies are 50 or 60. Chips are 140 an ounce. A roll is 100, enough bread for a sandwich is 220. Cereal is 110--140 for a serving. Skim milk is 90 a cup. Low-fat ice cream is 150 for a half-cup. Haagen Dazs is 270. The whole pint is 1100. Coffee is 5 a cup, but Frappachinos are 260. 140 if they're light.

Now, this list does not make me look like the sane one, but let me assure you--she's nuts.

Or she works out all the time and eats when she's hungry, but seriously? That's weird.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Someone is writing my life

Seriously. It sometimes reads like a fucking movie script.

So, I need to buy snow boots. Yes, NEED. It is snowy and then melty and muddy and my LAST boot purchase (Uggs, consumer whore, shame, etc.) is just not cutting it. Also, I'm not broke enough.

Now, I began looking for a pair of boots online without any assistence from my roommates, and I THOUGHT that I had found a perfectly cute pair. However, if it were not for the interventin of said roommates, I would go out every day in neon green gaucho overalls with plaid-and-striped taffeta trim, so I decided to show them the boots before I actually spent money on them. The Awesome Roommate wasn't around at the time, but fortunately Everyone's All-Purpose Gay Boyfriend was. And he informed me that the waterproof-but-still-cute boots were "ghetto."

Now, I'm working from a limited perspecitive here, but these boots? Not ghetto. No excessive fur trim, heel height, or bling of any kind. (Yes, I'm white and I said bling. RELAX.)

Everyone's All-Purpose Gay Boyfriend listened to me, but then he explained patiently that the boots were made by Timberland, and thus automatically unacceptable.

I, in my infinite experience, had never heard of Timberland, and since I have this slight tendency to argue, I scoffed at him. I did get him to admit that there was nothing intrinsically wrong with the boots except for the fact that they said Timberland on the side, but apparently, that was enough.

At this point, The Awesome Roommate entered. She was, incidentally, drunk off her ass, because she is talented at every sport except for pong. Unfortuantely for my arguement, when Gay Boyfriend asked her to confirm that Timberland = ghetto, her zealousness in affirming that point made her momentarily coherent. Dammit.

So I'm losing. Timberland, is, apparently, ghetto. I, having latent feminazi/weirdly liberal tendencies, start to go on a rant about the fashion industry, slavery to designer recognition, death of society, etc. I was mercifully interrupted by the Extremely Chill Guy walking in.

I pounced. He's very laid back and very typically masculinely clueless about fashion. Surely, I thought, surely I could score a point in the discussion here by proving that not EVERYONE has the same negative connotations regarding Timberland.

"Extremely Chill Guy," I asked sweetly, "Is Timberland ghetto?"

There was tragically instant recognition in his eyes. "Oh yeah," he responded enthusiastically, "it's pretty ghetto." He paused.

"Especially if you get the boots."

I appreciate that it was a perfect way for me to just get completely OWNED, but seriously. Scriptwriters? If you sell this thing, I want a share fo the profits.

My status

"Caffeinegirl is understanding Jack Sparrow's appreciation of rum in a way that is purely academic and not at all derived from her personal experience."

Oh yeah.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Such is my life

Those of you long-time readers (yes, both of you) may recall some of my...interesting interactions with one of my professors. Yes, like when I launched a pen cap at him. Shut up.

Anyway, things came full circle at in a disturbingly symbolic, English-class type way at the end of last term. I had to write a final paper. Because I wrote the paper, yes, it was crap, and I finished it approximately thirty seconds before it was due.

At which point I ran out of ink.

Naturally, by then I was in a full-on all nighter/caffeine-induced panic, so I did what seemed logical at the time: I printed the paper out in purple ink. (The so-launched pen? Purple. COWER at the force of the metaphor-wrapped-in-an-allegory-ness.)

Now, I admit that my actions weren't that illogical. I just wish that I'd chosen, say, a sedate navy. And that I hadn't handed in a (crap) paper to THE LEADING FAUST SCHOLAR IN THE WORLD printed in PURPLE INK.

But life goes on.

And life goes on to the point where you return to college, clean out your desk, and discover that you had an extra black ink cartridge the entire time.