Tuesday, August 01, 2006

How to Lose It

1. Wake up late. Extra points for setting your alarm clock to P.M. instead of A.M.

2. Rush into work to discover that you have forgotten the granola bar you were going to eat for breakfast.

3. And your water bottle.

4. Glare at the thermometer that ALREADY reads 95 degrees, IN THE SHADE.

5. Discover that one of your co-workers is sick, screwing up the rotation, and that you will have to again take the youngest group of kids.

6. Realize that it’s the day of the dreaded “groundstroke test.” (This involves EACH KID hitting, or in most cases not hitting, twenty balls in specified areas of the court. Organizing the targets takes forever, the kids refuse to stay in line, and it sucks big time.)

7. Examine contents of tennis bag. Offer other co-worker a broken hair elastic, four nickels, three extra grips, a wristband, and one slightly used can of bug spray in exchange for trading groups of kids.

8. Get brutally shot down.

9. Inadvertently choose the basket that is secretly broken and spills the balls every five minutes.

10. Snap at the fifth kid who informs you that “it’s hooooooooooooooooot. I don’t wanna.

11. Take water breaks every five minutes. Ignore scowling boss.

12. Consider hiring self out as lawn sprinkler, based on perspiration level.

12. Convince children that the groundstroke test will be “fun.” Clap hand over mouth of repeat camper who knows better.

13. Organize court, sweaty line of children for groundstroke test.

14. Hit three balls to first kid.

15. Regret frequent water breaks when three children announce that they have to go to the bathroom.

16. Scout around for boss to see if she can take the aforementioned whiny kids.

17. Boss absent. Suspect she has sneaked off to car or other air-conditioned place.

18. Gather entire group of six-year olds. Schlep approximatley six hundred miles to building with bathrooms.

19. Arrive at building. Take headcount.

20. Corrall adventurous child still in parking lot.

21. Corrall other children running down hallway in opposite direction of bathrooms.

22. Ask children not using bathroom if they are SURE they don’t have to go.

23. Suggest they should maybe check anyway.

24. They’re sure, right?

25. Plod six hundred miles back to courts.

26. Begin to re-set up for groundstroke test.

27. Chase down errant targets that children on other court are now using for hats.

28. Restart groundstroke test.

29. Lie to suddenly present boss that you’re “almost done” with the test. Yes, I know we’re supposed to be done by 11. Don’t worry!”

30. Hit two balls to kid. Feel tug on tennis skirt.

31. It’s Tommy.

32. He has.

To go.


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