Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Blah blah blah Spamalot reference

In response to recent inquiries: No, I am not dead yet. Unfortunately.

There will be no discussion of organic chemistry, except to note that my previous metaphor was slightly off. It's really more like sticking your eye with a rusty syringe, draining the intraocular fluid, and replacing it with pickle juice. I could get into the subtleties of WHY a certain metaphor is superior but that would be talking about it.

So instead we're going to do an installment of Things I Would Really Like to Say, But Have Not, Because It Costs Fifty Thousand Dollars A Year to Go To College

1. If you cut that piece of shortbread in half, I will shove it up your nostril. We both know it's twenty calories a serving. EAT. IT.

2. Smoking is generally, A Bad Thing. But if the smoker in question is 85, she's already beaten the odds. STOP. BITCHING.

3. It is scientifically impossible for you to die as a result of missing a telephone call from your boyfriend. Especially if it's the fifth call THIS HOUR.

4. I swear TO GOD the next time you correct my grammar I will BLUDGEON YOU WITH MY COPY OF STRUNK AND WHITE. I KNOW that it's "It wasn't I." I KNOW. It's the predicate nominative because of the implied "to be." May I introduce you to the vernacular?

5. Yes, J.K. Rowling ripped off Tolkein. I realize that there is no such thing as an archetype. She's obviously a terrible HACK writer and of COURSE you would be EMBARRASSED to be associated with such a franchise. Especially the famous, successful part.

6. If you use the term "huge" to describe a sandwich because it has more than one piece of bread, I will force feed you a can of Crisco.

7. Your book? SUCKS.

8. No, I never EVER passed out in the library. This is something I am making up to get attention. I'm so glad you were able to see through such a transparent story.

9. Could we stop discussing people who NO LONGER WORK FOR THE DARIEN SCHOOL SYSTEM? THANK YOU.

10. The phrase "spending calories" makes me want to vomit up my lungs. There is no "calorie budget" and you do not determine if butter is "worth the marginal cost." This is not economics. It'S FOOD.

11. You know what would be nice? If I could mention a person in conversation WITHOUT prompting a little tangent about said person's weight, hair, makeup, and/or clothing. The next time you use the term "round" about A.) a person, and B.) a person who weighs about 135, I will defenestrate myself.


*exhales*


But you know what? My life no longer involves organic chemistry.

Life is good.

9 comments:

Steph said...

points for clever use of the word "defenestrate."

Sayuri said...

heee. i was like WHO COULD THIS BE?? *ponder* for every little point. *sad*

Leina said...

i'm guessing this is towards your family bc at first i thought it was towards your school and then realized that made no sense

Leina said...

don't sandwiches typically have more than 1 piece of bread?? it's not a sandwich if there's only one piece!

Leina said...

but skinny people can be round!! they can have round faces! but i'm sure that's not what you meant *wants to know who said round person is...*

caffeinegirl said...

Leina, you were flagged as comment spam, fyi :D

1. Yes
2. In the mother's world, sandwiches occasionally don't have any pieces of bread.
3. "said person" who is "round" = any person who weighs more than 115 lbs. It is an expression I completely and thoroughly DESPISE.

Leina said...

YAY!! I'M SPAM!!! but but sandwiches without bread aren't sandwiches!! can't... wrap... mind... around... breadless... sandwich...

Leina said...

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

i am not packing and i should be *SHAME!!*

it's kind of fitting tho that i should be flagged as comment spam in your spam-a-lot entry.

BOREDOM!

Abby said...

she is quite mad. also, i can only imagine what she must have to say about MY weight, clothing, and makeup - too much, too sloppy, and too little, respectively :P

someday, you need to visit me here.

also, when do you go back to school? because i'll be in darien from 8/29-9/15ish.