Thursday, September 20, 2007

Dear the Wonderfully Clueless People Who Design Clothes,

This is a teensy-eensy bit complicated, but I really think that if you FOCUS, you can figure it out. Ready? Ok!

It is entirely possible

That a woman.

May have a waist.

That is SMALLER than than her ass.

Got it? You could also say "It is entirely possible that a woman may have an ass that is LARGER than her waist" but I much prefer the first way, as it emphasizes SMALLER. Regardless of semantics, this is a FACT. Now, I realize that you people deal with lots of models, but could you take a quiiiiick break from the schmoozing and champagne and check out, say, an average woman who's Hispanic? African? Mediterranean? No? Hmmm....oh! Famous people! You deal with famous people, right? One word: BEYONCÉ . Good! Now see the part of her body that's narrower? Yes, with the ribbon tied around it. That's a WAIST. Very good.

Now, what if you were to custom-design a pair of jeans for her? There would have to be LESS FABRIC around her WAIST than around her ASS. Oh, DO NOT give me that look. It IS TOO physically possible.

Exhibit A:
The aforementioned Joe's Jeans! Woooooo!!

Note also my uB3r L33T picture taking skillz.

See how HAPPY this is? See how the jeans actually FIT the girl in the picture? See how, theoretically, she could bend down and the jeans might actually move WITH her, instead of SLIDING, resulting in massively annoying slippage and awkward hiking-the-jeans-back-up motions ?


Do you see? The space? The space that you could practically FIT ANOTHER PERSON INTO? The space that makes me want to SHOOT MYSELF, because these are awesomely amazing jeans and I almost look like a legit PERSON in them, except I can't MOVE, because if I do, they will SLIDE?

Wait! I've got it.

There, now they won't slide.

LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE REDUCED ME TO. I'm the psychotic-straining-muscles-attempting-to-take-pictures-of-her-(clothed, thank you very much)-ass-in-STUPID-JEANS-and-now-I-have-a-stuffed-animal-in-my-pants-
so-obviously-the-logical-thing-to-do-is-POST-THIS-ON-THE-INTERNET girl! I hate you all. Go choke on something expensive.

Yours truly,


Leina said...

this is why you own belts

Leina said...

or buy designer jeans that cost $400+!

caffeinegirl said...

^silly girl---the more expensive the jeans, the less likely they will fit someone with an ass!

Also, Joe's Jeans can be obtained for like $90 if you regularly stalk Costco/TJMaxx.

Leina said...

or maybe you need to stop buying white girl jeans! buy jeans catered towards blacks/hispanics?

Leina said...

your butt actually looks very flat in the last picture...just letting you know! and at least you HAVE an ass! you don't get that lovely saggy granny-ass effect that I do :(

caffeinegirl said...

"your butt actually looks very flat in the last picture...just letting you know!"

Optical illusions are funny :D

Let's ignore the original, non-dog-stuffed-into-waistband picture that I declined to post because it raised serious my ass/ own zip code questions.

Steph said...

your blog needs more pictures like that last one.

Leina said...

I like optical illusions
I think the last picture is something along the line of animal abuse

Sayuri said...

hahaha, animal abuse...yes, the doggie must be traumatized from being stuff down pants.

Sadie said...


That is all.

Sadie said...

Also that is like in the Goblet of Fire when Moody stuffs Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing Ferret down Crabbe's pants.

Hi, have we met? I am a nerd.