Sunday, September 02, 2007

Losing my identity

So, confession time...caffeingirl kind of weaned herself off of caffeine. Scary, shame, whatev.

Except.

Today I had some espresso. By some of course, I mean a whole bunch of. Espresso, that is. Which was fun. Especially the part where I went to bed.

That was five hours ago and man am I TWEAKING. In a baaaaaaaaaad way. I can feel my skin. IT'S ALIVE.

Also, you know when you don't eat for three days and then have to go out to dinner with your ultra-conservative relatives and lose focus because you're trying not to punt the very frail eighty-five year old woman through the wall,

EVEN THOUGH she is quoting Rush Limbaugh and expecting you to take her seriously, and you're trying VERY HARD not to mention some really good counter-examples like seriously kickass professors who started off in the country as illegal immigrants and wound up tenured at Ivy League institutions, NO MA'AM of COURSE no one from those countries could possibly be successful and this conversation is bordering as daaaaangerously close to eugenics as this sentence is to a run-on,

SO because this distracts you, you kind of forget that you don't eat food, so you order and eat approximately seventy metric tons of shellfish which lands smack in the middle of your digestive system which is like Bitch, what the fuck, we don't deal with this anymore get this shit out of here, so you're all Oh blow me, YOU were the thing that wouldn't shut up yesterday, STOMACH, so when I actually put stuff in you DEAL WITH IT, and you attempt to have a pleasant conversation HA HA with people while not shooting yourself because the couple at the next table is dressed in reverse,

BUT your small intestine flatly refuses to GET ON WITH IT ALREADY and instead decides that you are going to spend the rest of your life burping AND it's going to taste like fish EIGHT HOURS LATER because there is no actual DIGESTION GOING ON HERE SERIOUSLY, because you are LOSING ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS, which is just pathetic, and then you can't sleep because of the aforementioned espresso slash FISH IN YOUR STOMACH so you decide that that it would be a great idea to TELL THE INTERNET THAT YOU ARE BURPING AND IT TAKES LIKE FISH.

I think I may have kind of pushed the run-on there, because sweet blessed cheeseburgers, it was a run-on WITH PARAGRAPHS. Fear me.


But whatever, it's almost 4 in the morning, which is an excellent song, by the way, and there's no way in hell I'm sleeping and I've got a niiiiice head of steam built up, so let's just keep going with THINGS I HATE.

Next up: people and their DAMMED LACK OF EMAIL CHECKING. Seriously. How the HELL do you not check your email every day? I check my email EVERY FIVE MINUTES and go into anaphlactic SHOCK if I don't. It takes THIRTY SECONDS and the world might end if you don't. Email. Do it.

Annnnnd related only by the resulting level of my rage: VINEYARD FUCKING VINES. The pants can either be Nantucket red, WHICH IS ACTUALLY PINK, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, oooooor they can have whales all over them BUT NOT BOTH. YOU PEOPLE LOOK RIDICULOUS! Aren't you supposed to be the elite upper-class who run the country? How can you run the country when you have LARGE MARINE ANIMALS all over your pants??????? And for chirst sakes, YOUR KID IS THREE YEARS OLD. Did you HAVE children for the SOLE PURPOSE of dressing them up? Buy a fucking Barbie and STOP REPRODUCING.

And tennis matches. Specifically, The Mother watching tennis matches and her resulting near-cardiac arrest. Chill the FUCK OUT, there's a REASON you get two serves, and it's because people miss ALL THE DAMN TIME and these are PROFESSIONALS who are serving at more than 100 miles an hour, so if they hit it in the net a few times, IT'S REALLY NOT A BIG DEAL. Are they freaking out? NO, and I daresay that they have A HELL OF A LOT MORE riding on it than YOU DO. You don't even KNOW THEM. Note how THEIR PARENTS ARE SITTING CALMLY AND WATCHING. Do you know how to do that? NO. YOU DO NOT. Evidence: I played 85 high school tennis matches, of which you attempted to attend THREE, and left after TWO FUCKING MINUTES each time, because you "couldn't take it" and for CHRIST'S SAKE EVEYONE ELSE'S PARENTS ARE HERE BECAUSE IT'S THE STATE FUCKING CHAMIONSHIP but you apparently are SO CONCERNED that I'm going to FUCK UP that you can't even fucking watch EVEN THOUGH we are actually WINNING, rather easily in fact, and actually crushed our opponents BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT, BECAUSE YOU WERE BUSY FREAKING OUT AND DIDN'T SEE IT, and I am obviously in serious need of a therapist.

Also, Maria Sharapova lost, which pisses me off, because then I have to do something drastic like root for Serena, who is very talented, but also apparently BLIND because she keeps going on about DESIGNING her own fucking clothes and honey, if I were you I woudl shut up and pretend that someone else made me wear that because it looks like a POTATO SACK MADE OUT OF PINK SPANDEX and seriously, those have to be double-Ds, so I suggest that you invest in some kind of bra, because doesn't that HURT?

DEAR LORD I JUST BURPED AGAIN AND IT TASTED LIKE FISH. You're welcome.

And now i'm doing that thing where i'm considering not posting this because I"m not a hundred percent sure exactly who reads my blog because i have def shown it to at least four legit adults including two former high school teachers, one of whom i think does actually occasionally check it and it's like OOOH LOOK SHE'S A SPAZZ but of course if you've actually met me YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT so what does it MATTER, plus they actually have LIVES and are NOT READING YOUR STUPID BLOG ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH THE ENTIRE REASON YOU HAVE A DAMN BLOG IN THE FIRST PLACE IS BECAUSE YOU WANTED SOMEONE TO FUCKING READ YOUR ENGLISH PAPER, DAMMIT but it would be nice if the free tracking software had a better ip addy locator because telling me a person's in connecticut is NOT ACTUALLY THAT HELPFUL. i realize that connecticut is comparatively small, but EVERYONE I KNOW LIVES THERE, mostly, so it's like wow, connecticut! That could be....anyone! SWEET. I may be getting tired.

Yup, definitely crashing....now.

5 comments:

Leina said...

hey, at least you had the chance to eat fish. central new york = NO FISH!

Sayuri said...

heyy, does that mean that my ip address comes up as being from california, or what??

anyway, um, PAT PAT. why did you not eat for 3 days?!

Steph said...

you win, only because i sat there and read the whole thing while eating imitation shellfish.

Leina said...

but my ip address should say NY!! i guess new york is kind of like CT

caffeinegirl said...

The service provider comes up first, so anyone accessing it through a college network is easy to identify. (Sayuri, you come up as HMC.edu, fyi. Leina comes up as hamilton.edu, which is why the traffic report says hamilton.edu approximately seventy billion times :D )

When people are home, however, it comes up a lot as just Optimumonline.net, Connecticut, which could be lots of people.